Parents often wish for their children to lead better lives, and when they perceive that their children's actions do not align with this ideal, they may become concerned and try to steer them in what they believe to be the right direction. Additionally, due to various circumstances, parents may lack the emotional capacity to cope and may use their children as an outlet for their stress or treat them as if they were adults, relying on them excessively. However, when such behavior becomes chronic and unconscious, it can have a significant impact on the child, sometimes adversely affecting their growth and happiness.
For children, the connection with their parents is essential for their survival. Thus, if, for any reason, a parent does not accept their child as they are, the child may feel the need to change themselves to maintain the bond with the parent. As a result, the child suppresses their true personality and creates a different persona to gain acceptance from the parent. This process occurs unconsciously, leading the child to learn to suppress their true feelings and desires.
The alternate persona formed during childhood often continues into adulthood, functioning as the default way of relating to others, preventing individuals from expressing their true selves. Living with this alternate persona can lead to various issues.
When one becomes accustomed to living through this alternate persona, there is a tendency to suppress one's own emotions and desires, and to meet the expectations and demands of others. This often results in increased self-sacrificial behavior, where one's own needs are routinely ignored. This can lead to a decrease in self-esteem and an increase in stress.
Ignoring one's true feelings and desires can lead to feelings of emptiness and helplessness over the long term, reducing overall satisfaction with life. The sense of "not living one's own life" can hinder self-actualization and detract from overall happiness. Additionally, this sense of self-discrepancy can cause anxiety and tension, negatively impacting mental and physical well-being.
If you are reading this blog and recognize that you grew up in such an environment and wish to avoid the same pitfalls with your children but are unsure how to do so, the first step is to heal yourself and accept all parts of who you are. Instead of labeling your thoughts and emotions as good or bad and trying to cut off the parts you consider negative, embrace everything with compassion. This process can be facilitated by reading psychological books related to trauma, incorporating practices like yoga and meditation, or seeking counseling from a compatible therapist.
By deepening your self-understanding and connecting with your authentic self, you will begin to feel genuine happiness. This will naturally enable you to accept your child as they are. Additionally, children will learn from such a parent's approach, understanding the importance of valuing themselves.
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